Isn’t Mediation Really Just Giving In?

After all, if you could come to an agreement, you would have, right? So now it’s time to let a judge tell the other side that you’ve been right all along.

Think again.  Not only does the judge not have the opportunity to know the details that got you to the decisions you’re making; common sense isn’t always allowed.  Unless there’s a trail of police records **and you’re not part of them**….You may not want an authoritative stranger making life decisions for you.

Remember that in a court setting each party has the opportunity to tell their side of the story- and each story is given equal weight in  importance.

“Fair and Equitable” isn’t up to you.  It’s up to you to convince a stranger what “fair” in your life should look like.  Hey, maybe that’s what you want.  Maybe you want someone to tell you what you’re allowed to do; and what the consequence will be if you violate that Order.

But on the off chance that you want to make enforceable life decisions for yourself- Choose Mediation.

Here you can bring your WHOLE STORY and have more than 10 minutes to tell it.  Better yet, bring your attorney and let them help you say it right.  But in the end- YOU DECIDED.

The best part? You can change your mind…..What??? Life may change in ways you didn’t expect???  That’s right.  Change your mind as your needs change and have a say in what you’re obligations should be based on just that.

I’m not a Judge, Commissioner, or Attorney.  I’m just one of you.  What do I know? Only how it feels to really be there, and have to live with the decisions that were made.  When you need an authoritative stranger to let the other side know what’s best- its also being decided for YOU, and you’re just as put in your place as they are. So is Mediation really just giving in? Sure.  Giving in to the fact that you are capable of making your own decisions.  Maybe that’s not for you.

TrueNorthEmpire – I’m here to help.

I am not an attorney licensed to practice law in any state.  Nothing I have said or ever will say is ever legal advice. Ever.

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  1. When people have a “solution” imposed upon them by an outside agency, it is simply human nature to immediately begin scheming to thwart that imposition. Sure, a litigated divorce may specify a court ordered child pick-up and delivery schedule, but life means changes. What sounded just right in May no longer works in December.

    So much better to work with your spouse and develop the tools you need to deal with the changes that inevitably occur. What is more, the reluctant cooperation and “unintentional” foot dragging that often comes with imposed conditions is a formula for ongoing strife, friction and misery even if it never rises to a level that justifies having the Court act to try and remedy the other persons conduct. People who work together to create plans that they voluntarily agree upon are vested in those plans. There is a much higher likelihood that those people will abide by their agreement and have less conflict in the future.

    • Well said Ken. I agree completely. From the age of about 2 years old we all resist being told what to do and seek out our own boundaries. We also seek the boundaries of and for others. What we must remember of the court process is that the boundaries set for others apply to our own selves as well.

  2. Mediation gives into a more balanced solution that can please everyone’s outcome. Great article to read!

  3. Andy Bucklin

     /  September 30, 2012

    The private session is the key. The party can “blow off steam” that has built up over the emotions involved. Once they get it off their chest they drift more towards working to a reasonable agreement. I have seen it work this way many times over my life. I am new to mediation, but have worked in law enforcement for 20 years. Many issue get resolved after people vent. I believe the emotional component blocks rational thought.
    The mediation process is better than court imposed resolution where the courts are more interested in clearing the docket; that is their goal for their day, not to ensure that either party is completely satisfied. Mediation allows each party to feel more satisfied. They are heard by a person, allowed to vent, then build their own resolution on terms comfortable to them.

    • Very well said Andy. So many believe the common myth that the court system is going to hear them thoroughly. Unfortunately that just isn’t possible. You’re right on the money with the statement that people just need to vent. People want to feel understood, and often can not move on to real problem solving or decision making when they’re still fighting to feel heard. We are making the world a better place, one conflict at a time. Enjoy Today!

  4. Hello- I joined this network today and this is my first ‘post’ – I am an attorney mediator in CA with 30+ years of civil litigation and trial experience who always tells mediation participants “you are in control, keep it that way and resolve your case here because if you don’t, someone else will do it for you”. They usually understand that message and seem to work harder to resolve their cases with that thought in mind. Chas

    • Hey there, I am sorry for somehow missing this post prior to now! Welcome to the network, and thank you for your input. I really like the quote you stated. I appreciate that verbiage, and agree that empowerment is incredibly useful in mediation. Thank you again!

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