We all know that our perception is our reality. We also know that the same perception isn’t shared by everyone. When it comes to a shared experience, we can easily, and emphatically, feel that a person who describes the experience differently than we do to be Lying. It often becomes a block of sorts in our mind once we determine someone to have lied about us or something we were involved in. We experience anger regarding it.
When two (or more) persons perceptions are to be taken into consideration for purposes of decision making, we increase the risks of disagreement on the decision to be made. And as I said, once one person feels there to be dishonesty, things can unravel quickly.
My job as Your Mediator is to facilitate communication between you. Chances are, you have already communicated what you don’t agree on. So my job is really to facilitate communication of what you do agree on. Sometimes that is much like finding a needle in a haystack (or as one colleague called it- pulling a rabbit out of a hat). The good news is that its in there somewhere.
It is not my job to tell you every word that was said when I speak privately with each party. It is not my job to point out discrepancies you hadn’t stumbled upon yet. I’m not here to even the score for the wrongs imposed on you by the other person. I’m here to help you Move On. It is my job to listen, and listen well. When you’re the person in the dispute every thing usually sounds offensive. Because you know intimate details about the other person, you know what their motive is and you don’t want them to get away with anything. I don’t usually have to ask, “what do you think they’re really saying?” its usually offered immediately by the person who’s worried I missed something. And its important. I want you to tell me the details of why they’re saying what they’re saying. I need all the info you can give me because I don’t know either of you at all. I don’t have the answers- You Do. They’re just scattered, shattered, and all but forgotten.
My office is the place to think out loud. Let the accusations, complaints, and oh so bias perceptions fly like the wind. These are the exact ingredients which comprise your Reality. You come to see me because you want that reality to look different tomorrow than it does today- but we can only work with what you bring to the table.
So let it out. Tell me the whole story. Because within that story is the keys necessary to unlock the next chapter for you. I don’t have any of the pieces to your puzzle, but I can help you turn them to make them fit.
Call Today. The rest of your life begins Here. (509) 795-6888 Or email me with questions BelindaJ.firstname.lastname@example.org TrueNorthEmpire.com has links to my other social media sights as well as a direct link to email me.
I have another great example of how Mediation is the the best way to Move On in a conflict situation. Disclaimer: I’m changing all the nouns, and substituting the details that have any chance at being identifiable so if you think for one sentence that you know who I’m talking about- give it up. This exact example never actually happened.
Another Disclaimer: When you start to think I made this up and two educated, sober people could not possibly recall the same incident with such impossible discrepancy- I assure you they do.
I was helping this couple, Jane and John of course, sort out the details of their divorce. The item that was the most difficult to “separate” was the china cabinet. They had invested time, and money, and both had an attachment to it. We were on our 3rd session and they had been able to remain in the same room every time. When we discussed the cabinet they got real snippy so it was time to visit with them separately.
John let me know they had paid about $1,500 for the cabinet and the drive to Canada to get it took up a day and a half (fuel, day off work, etc.). He had been the one to purchase all the dishes in it, and they were collectibles for display, not for use. It was John who had wanted the cabinet in the first place and he’d done all the research to find just the perfect one for Jane knowing she would convert to loving it, and he was right. Since he put so much effort into finding the perfect cabinet for Jane’s preference, he wasn’t nearly as attached to it as her but he sure as heck wasn’t going to just give it to her, plus he had put so much research into the collector dishes only to have her actually use them and negate their value that he was fed up and wanted to buy his own new cabinet. The price that met “half way” to him was $1,000. He let me know how much he was displeased with the monetary, as well as non-monetary loss he was taking here but chalked it up to another cost of picking the wrong wife. If she would compensate him in the amount of $1,000; she could have the cabinet and the expensive dishes she devalued in it.
Jane let me know they had paid about $750 for the cabinet and let me know they’d had it shipped. She was pretty sure shipping was in the $200 range. (YES, two people can literally recall the same situation that differently) As for the dishes in the cabinet, she did not feel she had devalued them in any way, and in fact had added to it with her own favorite brand which was usable in the freezer, oven, and looked nice on the table. She was of the opinion that she certainly used it more, and it should go to her but would give it up if it meant being done for good. If John was willing to let her keep the cabinet she was willing to offer him $1,000 for it, since it really belonged to both of them.
Hopefully you can see what we have here. They are coming from polar opposite places of experience, opinion, and input; all the way to the part that matters. If this couple tried to have a conversation to decide who should get the cabinet and how much the other person should have to compensate for it they would have never got past arguing about the day they bought it. If they would have been paying attorneys to have the conversations for them it would have resulted in a court proceeding where they would have produced receipts, records, pictures, appraisals, and possibly statements from professionals or supportive friends. Of course producing such “proof” would have solved some of the discrepancy. The couple would have likely invested a substantial amount of time and money into the fight, and exploited each other’s vulnerable points on the subject to gain a better grip on their own position. Their anger for each other would increase substantially, and a minimum of weeks (since it takes 10 days minimum to get into hearing anyway) would be wasted on boring their co-workers, friends, and family over the details of this wretched cabinet that they both wind up wondering if they even want it in their home anymore for all the trouble it’s caused them. Depending on what the receipts and appraisals showed, there may or may not have been a transfer payment ordered, the dishes may have been separated from the cabinet, or some other solution may have been imposed.
The point here is that they were both happy with the exact same end result. They had very, VERY different reasons and paths to that resolve but were both comfortable with a payment of $1,000 from Jane to John, and Jane keeps the cabinet with the dishes all still in it.
When I brought them back together, I started slowly, but introduced the pieces of information they agreed on and you could literally see the tension leave the room as they both were hearing they were going to get what they wanted. Did the cabinet cost $1500 or $750? Did they drive to Canada, or was it shipped? What brand of dishes are in it? The answer to all of it- WHO CARES. She agreed to cut him a check for 1Large within 10 days and he was already shopping for the cabinet he really wanted which he would fill with dishes no one would use.
Only Mediation offers this type of process where a neutral 3rd party can hear what the issues are, and help the people reach an answer. The Fight Is Not The Answer. That’s not to say the fight won’t ever produce an answer, or even the same answer, but is it necessary? More importantly, is it worth it? Only in Mediation can you really tell your story, in your words, and choose weather or not the other person should be in the room to hear it. Judicial economy does not, and should not, provide for this kind of detail. But it’s your life. You deserve to be heard and have a say in the decision. Mediation offers you that.
After all, if you could come to an agreement, you would have, right? So now it’s time to let a judge tell the other side that you’ve been right all along.
Think again. Not only does the judge not have the opportunity to know the details that got you to the decisions you’re making; common sense isn’t always allowed. Unless there’s a trail of police records **and you’re not part of them**….You may not want an authoritative stranger making life decisions for you.
Remember that in a court setting each party has the opportunity to tell their side of the story- and each story is given equal weight in importance.
“Fair and Equitable” isn’t up to you. It’s up to you to convince a stranger what “fair” in your life should look like. Hey, maybe that’s what you want. Maybe you want someone to tell you what you’re allowed to do; and what the consequence will be if you violate that Order.
But on the off chance that you want to make enforceable life decisions for yourself- Choose Mediation.
Here you can bring your WHOLE STORY and have more than 10 minutes to tell it. Better yet, bring your attorney and let them help you say it right. But in the end- YOU DECIDED.
The best part? You can change your mind…..What??? Life may change in ways you didn’t expect??? That’s right. Change your mind as your needs change and have a say in what you’re obligations should be based on just that.
I’m not a Judge, Commissioner, or Attorney. I’m just one of you. What do I know? Only how it feels to really be there, and have to live with the decisions that were made. When you need an authoritative stranger to let the other side know what’s best- its also being decided for YOU, and you’re just as put in your place as they are. So is Mediation really just giving in? Sure. Giving in to the fact that you are capable of making your own decisions. Maybe that’s not for you.
Sounds like a funny question, but we want the answer. Sometimes (okay lots of times) what people are really seeking is validation of their perception. When the focus of our energy is to accomplish having our perception validated; we tend to find someone trying to resolve the actual problem to be quite a nuisance.
People in general need an individual amount of proof that they are legit in their discrepancy before they are ready to settle the discrepancy. And that’s okay. I can offer that, and it can be healthy for all parties involved.
Limiting negative ripple effect is the real challenge.
Agencies designed to handle the conflicts we find ourselves in can sometimes start to appear as though they advocate the conflict instead of helping resolve it. That of course is not the intention, but that’s the result. As I stated in previous blogs; some decisions do require judicial assistance to find equitable balance. The majority of our disputes however, Do Not.
So it comes down to you. Do you want to make sure everyone knows how you were done wrong? That is certainly available. You can even drag it out for as long as you want, and you will never run out of professionals who accept payment in exchange for explaining to an audience just exactly what your rights are. Continued conflict is available for purchase until you’re ready to move on.