You Selfish Resolver!

I’ve seen it in many cases throughout the years that once a couple separates; they become parent of the year, a fitness guru, or a financial planning genius.   It is often perceived by the other person to be all for show or even for spite.  I hear frequently that a parent is only attending the child’s sporting events, or volunteering at the school to make every one think they are this really great parent.  I also have clients tell me that the other person only hit the gym to make them jealous, or exclaim disgust because the spending habits that were a huge problem in the marriage are under control now that the marriage is over.  My clients feel it to be a direct jab at them for the other person to be finally doing what they had wanted for so long.  Let’s be honest- Sometimes it absolutely is.

I must ask however, why does that matter?  I realize its irritating. I understand why it’s irritating.  I’m pointing out that it’s not bad.  If a person betters them-self, whether for a moment or a lifetime, it’s not bad.  There is good available there.

When I drove by the courthouse last week there was a lot of snow on the sidewalk and the man with the hot dog stand was shoveling the walk.  Obviously he wants to keep access to his hot dog stand available.  So is he selfish?  His motive may be, or maybe not.  Maybe even if he didn’t have a hot dog stand he would have been out there shoveling the sidewalk in front of the courthouse, but I doubt it.  Many people benefited from his act of selfish kindness.   We also see it when there’s a national tragedy.  I sure hugged my kids tighter in the days before Christmas this year, and I know most every parent did.  Did we love our children less on December 13, 2012 than we did in the days after? I doubt it.  But I am certain that many families loved stronger the remaining days in 2012 and that was a positive reaction.

What I am trying to remind us all of is that positive outcomes can be derived from quite selfish motives.  If we begin acting like a more loving parent, a healthy eater, and a better financial planner- some of it will accidentally stick. While your likely to wish this desirable behavior was occurring already; not much is gained by being angry that is exists now.  What’s worse, your spending energy in the opposite direction of moving on.

Its okay to be unimpressed.   You don’t need to give bonus points for someone finally doing what they should have been doing all ready, or for helping others with a self serving motive.  But let them do it.  You don’t benefit enough from disliking the positive behavior to make it worth your time.

Want to learn more about mediation and what True North Empire can do to help you?  Call Today (509) 795-6888

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Isn’t Mediation Really Just Giving In?

After all, if you could come to an agreement, you would have, right? So now it’s time to let a judge tell the other side that you’ve been right all along.

Think again.  Not only does the judge not have the opportunity to know the details that got you to the decisions you’re making; common sense isn’t always allowed.  Unless there’s a trail of police records **and you’re not part of them**….You may not want an authoritative stranger making life decisions for you.

Remember that in a court setting each party has the opportunity to tell their side of the story- and each story is given equal weight in  importance.

“Fair and Equitable” isn’t up to you.  It’s up to you to convince a stranger what “fair” in your life should look like.  Hey, maybe that’s what you want.  Maybe you want someone to tell you what you’re allowed to do; and what the consequence will be if you violate that Order.

But on the off chance that you want to make enforceable life decisions for yourself- Choose Mediation.

Here you can bring your WHOLE STORY and have more than 10 minutes to tell it.  Better yet, bring your attorney and let them help you say it right.  But in the end- YOU DECIDED.

The best part? You can change your mind…..What??? Life may change in ways you didn’t expect???  That’s right.  Change your mind as your needs change and have a say in what you’re obligations should be based on just that.

I’m not a Judge, Commissioner, or Attorney.  I’m just one of you.  What do I know? Only how it feels to really be there, and have to live with the decisions that were made.  When you need an authoritative stranger to let the other side know what’s best- its also being decided for YOU, and you’re just as put in your place as they are. So is Mediation really just giving in? Sure.  Giving in to the fact that you are capable of making your own decisions.  Maybe that’s not for you.

TrueNorthEmpire – I’m here to help.

I am not an attorney licensed to practice law in any state.  Nothing I have said or ever will say is ever legal advice. Ever.

Dissolution Illusion

If you’ve been through a divorce, or known some one who has; you know it’s not an easy time in life.  Whether “breaking up” was a well planned life step orchestrated amicably, or an unexpected and life shatter-er; it’s complex and overwhelming.  No one can figure it out for you, and you won’t get it figured out in one day.  The fact is- Only You Know What You Want and Why.

It’s difficult to sort through your thoughts, needs, and options.  Many of us have friends and family members that offer support, advice, and just an ear to listen.  Some of us keep the whole thing to ourselves.  Regardless of your support system, there are decisions that should not be made by a stranger.

To further that thought; the decisions can easily be diluted by the illusion of needing to stand our ground.  It’s human nature to want our voice heard, and protect what’s rightfully ours. We will go to great lengths to ensure we don’t have things taken from us.  We have locks on our doors, security systems, insurance policies, law enforcement, and even neighborhood block-watch to ensure our belongings are safe from being removed without our permission.

So where’s the line between protecting your interests and wasting the resources available to replace them?  Only you can know where that boundary is.  Until you see it, you’re looking through the “Dissolution Illusion”.  It’s the naturally protective place where we won’t allow specific things to be taken from us, and we are therefore at risk of everything else being unprotected.

A perfect example is this: A couple in the midst of divorce have a recently purchased a 60″ 3D Plazma HDTV. They both worked overtime to afford it, and both have favorite movies and programs they now enjoy more because of it.  The cost of the spectacular TV was $2,000 and their homeowners policy would cover it if it were stolen from the home.  These people are proud of this hard earned luxury and both feel deserving of keeping it.  It’s quite common for there to be lawyers representing their side of the story at a cost of about $250 per hour, so together it’s $500 per hour going out to protect their interest in this TV.

Of course there’s more to it, (other things being argued and what not) but it’s too easy to get caught up in standing your ground.  Only you know how much protecting your interest is worth as a dollar value.

Only you know when you could have replaced what you were fighting to keep had you not continued fighting about it.

As I’ve stated in other articles, there are some decisions that should be made by an authority.  But is who gets the TV one of them?  Granted, this is an expensive, spectacular TV, and who gets to keep it is not an easy thing to figure out fairly.  So would you rather have some one else decide?  And if so, how much are you willing to pay to get to that decision?

Only you know these answers but it sure is worth thinking about. Clarity is available through your divorce, but you must actively seek it.  I’ve been there, and I know it’s not easy.  And even when you feel you’ve overcome one hurdle, your standing in front of another one, but you gain wisdom and experience along the way. You’ll make some decisions you later rejoice, and some you regret; just like in all areas of life.  An important thought to keep reoccurring in your mind is to avoid the Dissolution Illusion.  Try to remember that this is a transition phase.  What’s going on right now is not what will always be.  Try to remember that when you do get your new routine with your new and old belongings and habits; you want to have as many resources still in tact as possible.  So don’t be wasteful with time, money and energy because the fight is already happening.

How and why you got here isn’t as important as how and where you’re going.

Avoid the Dissolution Illusion.  Actively seek clarity.  Remember to ask yourself if the item your hanging onto is worth cost of what else slips through your grip.

Dissolution Illusion
When the Emotions Clear; What Will You See?

To find out more you can visit my website at for when the fight is not the answer.  We know you want to communicate.  All you need is someone to listen.

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Never give up. Never believe that you can’t succeed in making a difference. All it takes; is all you got.

Why Resolve It?

Sounds like a funny question, but we want the answer.  Sometimes (okay lots of times) what people are really seeking is validation of their perception.  When the focus of our energy is to accomplish having our perception validated;  we tend to find someone trying to resolve the actual problem to be quite a nuisance.

People in general need an individual amount of proof that they are legit in their discrepancy before they are ready to settle the discrepancy.  And that’s okay.  I can offer that, and it can be healthy for all parties involved.

Limiting negative ripple effect is the real challenge.

Agencies designed to handle the conflicts we find ourselves in can sometimes start to appear as though they advocate the conflict instead of helping resolve it.  That of course is not the intention, but that’s the result.  As I stated in previous blogs; some decisions do require judicial assistance to find equitable balance.  The majority of our disputes however, Do Not.

So it comes down to you.  Do you want to make sure everyone knows how you were done wrong? That is certainly available.  You can even drag it out for as long as you want, and you will never run out of professionals who accept payment in exchange for explaining to an audience just exactly what your rights are.  Continued conflict is available for purchase until you’re ready to move on.

When you are ready to move on, I’ll be here.